A Therapy Assignment

I see a therapist trained in Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT): it was my game-changer. I'm back in sessions with Irma to resolve the trauma response triggered by my mother's accusation of stealing her jewelry.

ETT is fascinating, and I'll share some of my session here. We used the lightbox to help me process what I'm feeling and rewire my trauma brain for this trigger. When asked to look to the right (so the color was showing primarily in my left eye), I felt anger and frustration at the way my mother treats me. When asked to look to the right, my reaction was sympathy for her: compassion. She asked where in my body I feel the trauma: It's at the base of my throat, choking me from the inside. (That's always here it sits.). Irma said: "Oh, your vocal chords."

Life altering realization: I have no voice with my mother. So empowering -- I can solve for this!

Irma changed the color and we repeated: Center, Right, Left. When looking to the right, I felt a child's need to be loved: Why can't she see me? Why can't she love me? What is wrong with me? When looking to the left, I saw things I could do to resolve this trigger: I will kindly call her out (gently!) when she is verbally or emotionally abusive. I will try to stop seeking her approval, give myself what she never could.

At the end of an ETT session I always feel settled in my body and mind: Irma said I had "the ETT look" so the change is both internally recognizable and visible to an observer.

The Assignment

I recognize my mother is damaged and totally unconscious of it. My sympathy for her comes from watching her be emotionally abused by my father: she was his victim, and I was hers. Irma asked me to write a letter to my mother to "give" her the things she needed but didn't get from my father.

Dear Mom,

I see the pain my father inflicts on you emotionally, and I have always been desperate to help you. This was not my job as a child, and it's not my job as an adult. I want to empower you to take charge of your life.

When he calls to say he will be home for dinner in 10 minutes and shows up 2 hours later, I give you permission to let his food go cold on the table. We can eat without him, and he can eat his food cold or fix something for himself.

When he hurts your feelings, I give you permission to tell him that it's not acceptable. Tell him what hurt you and why, and demand that he do better.

You may cry anywhere and anytime: you do not need leave the room so he won't have to see what he caused.

I'm sorry that he favors me overtly, know that it hurts you deeply. I give you permission to tell him to stop being such an ass, to make him see that all members of the family deserve to be treated equally, that favoritism is cruel.

When his mood shifts suddenly and the silence thunders, I give you permission to leave the house with your children. You did nothing to cause that and are not obligated to endure it.

I give you permission to be the person you want the world to see you as: strong, independent. You may choose to neither eat the shit he serves nor pretend it's okay: call him out on his behavior. I want you to see that enduring this misery is damaging me: you take the anger and resentment you feel toward your husband and put it on your own child. We both deserve better. And now, finally, I give myself permission to stop feeling sympathy for your difficult marriage. You are in charge of how your husband treats you.

How Does This Feel to Me?

Complex trauma is complicated. I always have struggled to see my mother as anything other than another victim of my father; it's stalled my progress in many ways. Not looking for a villain, but I do need to stop sympathizing with my tormentor. I need to recognize that a child is not responsible for what an adult tolerates. Putting the responsibility on her to manage that relationship could be a breakthrough for me.