My Mother's Accusation

I recently drove to Ohio to visit my mother. She's showing signs of dementia, so every opportunity counts. I stayed nearly a week, and on my way home she called to ask if I had taken her gold jewelry. I replied that I would never do that, and she seemed to agree. (The jewelry has been "missing" for two years.)

A week later, I received a vicious email from her demanding that I return it immediately. I was hurt an angry, called her the next day and said: "I did not steal your goddamn jewelry, and you know it." She said "I'm sorry. I get confused"

I was triggered for the first time in nearly two years, spiraling into anxiety and unable to self-soothe. My resting heart rate went from 70 to 95, and my psychiatrist had to double my anti-anxiety medications to calm the physical symptoms.

I remained angry, unsettled, unusually anxious so followed some advice I had received many years ago: I wrote her a letter that I will never send.

Mom,

Yesterday I received this email from you:

RE: Jewelry Return all of my jewelry promptly. Also my Mom's. The jewelry box too. Also the Indian ring. It is not yours!

I called and told you (for the 2nd time) that I did not steal your goddamn jewelry. You tried to back-track, said you were confused. Your mind was quite clear when we talked, so I know that you were trying to manipulate me and avoid responsibility for your words. This time I didn't let you off the hook completely.

You're sorry. Right. I'm sorry about a lot of things:

I'm sorry I still care to the point that my doctor had to double my anxiety medication to dampen the panic attacks that started after my visit to you.

I'm sorry I didn't remind you how sad and angry you were when two relatives accused you of stealing from your aunt's estate.

I'm sorry I stayed in your home, giving you the chance to come up with this crazy accusation.

Most of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you what you used to say to me: "There are things sorry doesn't fix."

I'm heart-broken that my own mother would question my character.

My doctors warned me that dementia can make a person display the worst parts of their character more freely, and I knew from my visit that this was happening: more judgmental, more critical, more hateful and selfish. I couldn't conceive how that was even possible for you, but here we are.

I will protect myself from you at any cost. It has taken decades for me to overcome the damage from my childhood and to find peace in my life. I will not allow you to damage my hard-won mental health. If you speak to me unkindly or disrespectfully in future, I will shut you down. Your self-pity in the face of honesty will not sway my resolve.

____________________________

This this the third time in my life when I find myself trying to care for and support a person who has damaged me: my mother in my 20s, my ex-husband when he was terminally ill, and now my mother in my 50s. It is confusing, disruptive and some days unbearable.

But it's who I am. Honestly, I'm sick of it. My mother is the last remaining toxic person in my life, and for reasons I cannot explain I don't have it in me to tell her to "fuck off."