Releasing the Shame of Emotions

In my childhood family, expressing emotions was bad. My father shamed anyone who cried, treated it as a weakness. When my mother cried, she would leave the room to gather her composure. My mother was embarrassed by any display of emotion: don't clap too loudly or dance in public, and never ever cheer out loud to show support at an event. Neither parent expressed love or showed affection, so that too seemed like a bad thing. I was desperate to please my parents, so constantly tried to suppress my feelings.

That isn't something you can just turn off as an adult.

The shame of expressing any feelings runs deep for me. Worst of all, my emotions run high and unusually wet. Tears are my default expression of both good and bad feelings, which is confusing for pretty much everyone. Why would someone cry when feeling loved and accepted? How can laughter turn suddenly to tears? Why do I cry in the face of unexpected kindness?

It's actually pretty simple: Crying is a flight response, and anything that overwhelms my nervous system or triggers a trauma memory can bring a flood of tears.

• When I was having a hard time at work, my husband bought me a gift card to a spa: Tears.

• Evidence of how deeply I am loved by my husband: Tears.

• Laughing really hard: Tears.

• Feeling physically trapped or out of control: Tears.

• Expressing gratitude for someone who made a difference to me: Tears.

• Anything that touches my heart deeply: Tears.

My life is at an all-time high: Married earlier this year to a kind, compassionate and loving man; Professionally successful; Financially stable; Visibly progressing in my battle with CPTSD. Most of the tears are in response to the unexpected love and happiness that I share with my husband. It's so beautiful that my trauma brain cannot process it smoothly, is triggered by the now invalid fears of abandonment or rejection. He is not offended, only hugs me more tightly.

The urge to apologize for these tears is intense: I am ashamed.

Today I am making a commitment to stop judging myself for expressing emotions. Like all things, it will be a journey. This is my new mantra:

My feelings are valid, even when misaligned with the present moment. Having a soft heart is a wonderful trait.

Expressing emotions is healthy.

Feeling things deeply is a part of me that I cherish.

It is safe to show my emotions.

#CPTSD #TraumaRecovery